Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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