I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
