How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
