Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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