Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
