I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize