Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
