We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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