I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
