When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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