i was born a porn star she said
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
