I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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