No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
