I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
