Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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