The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
