Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
