I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
