Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
