Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
