I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
being pregnant is like rehab
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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