you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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