thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
