The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize