i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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