Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
