I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
