I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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