see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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