Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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