Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
