Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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