Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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