I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
