That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
