if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
