peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
