Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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