The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
