I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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