You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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