Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
