I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
