I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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