You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
