happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
