she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
