Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
