he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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