Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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