I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
