She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
