hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize