no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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