My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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