omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
